An In-Genuine Day with a hint of Dog Feces

It is really hard to blog while sitting on my fingers!  That is what I have to do on Facebook most of the time, sit on my fingers to keep from typing what I really feel on people’s stupid Status Updates!  It is so hard not to edit people’s lives by typing in the comment box!  But really, isn’t that what the comment box is for?  To scrutinize?  But this isn’t Facebook , it’s my blog and it isn’t stupid!  Yet, there is a comment box, but beware… I can delete your comments and you from my life if you piss me off!   

My blog is glorious bits of spiced up information that makes people either smile or cringe.  Sometimes people get a knot in their panties after reading my blog and don’t talk to me for a few days!  Whatever…. your loss!  Me in person is waayyy better than me in blog!  But that is the charm of me… I am consistant!  I am the same on Facebook as I am in real life!  If I don’t friend you in real life I sure as hell ain’t gonna friend you on Facebook!  I also talk the same smack in person as I do on Facebook or this blog.  I am real.  Always have been.  Is genuine appropriate here?  You bet your sweet ass it is!

So, sitting on my fingers for my own blog?  Yep.  It sucks.  I want to write freely (as I usually and ever so genuinely do), but today is an in-genuine day and I am blogging to just put something up so you know I am still alive after Field Day.  The only real drama of that ordeal was sitting in dog shit.  Yep, that was karma for talking smack about Field Day on this blog!  I had to laugh!  It was genuine!! 

Sitting on my fingers is more stressful than voicing my opinon and then feeling a little bad about it.  I would rather be honest than hold back, but sometimes, honesty has to wait.  And that is another thing I suck at… waiting.  Blah… I am going to end this blog since it’s full of nothing-ness anyway….  but what is to come?  Truth… status updates and a bitchin’ Tarot Card reading with more meaning and information than I should know about myself!

Field Day and A Camel Back full of ….

Tomorrow is what the locals here call “Field Day”.  It is an event where every elementary student here in Colstrip, MT converge onto the soccer field and play games (ie: long jump, 100 yard Dash, tug-of-war, etc).  It is mass chaos with a blow horn and teachers spread so thin you can see the exhaustion dripping from their brows.  The kids, on the other hand, are filled with so much energy they levitate (I have seen it).  The kids are are on Field Day Crack and it lasts ALL FREAKING DAY! 

What makes this mayhem even more a spectacle is that all good moms attend.  From 9am to the ending bell, Moms are scattered across the green lawn.  Moms are everywhere, chasing their younger children, trying to watch their school age kids make world record runs down the green.  Moms, ultimately, end up sunburned and frazzled.  That is why I am NOT attending this year.  Last year was enough for me.  Yep, I am not a good Mom, I suck and that is okay with me.  Field Day sucks.  Why?  Oh I could make a list ten times over, but will stick to the main 2:

1)  Refer to the blog dated May 19th (or near there) from last year.  I about got my ass kicked out of field day for accousting 2 little 2nd Grade Bitches. 

2)  My daughter didn’t even talk to me hardly at all and the events were so scattered and/or drawn out I just didn’t like it.  There, I said it (as usual) I DO NOT ENJOY FIELD DAY! 

Oh wait, there is a #3… Other people’s kids that are ill behaved, bratty and just plain naughty drive me bonkers!  Spend the day with them and a field full of Mom-sters and you have a recipe for disaster.  I would end up filling a Camel Back with wine to make it through the day. 

Alas, I will be there.  In limited allotments of time.  Very limited.  I am going to be there for lunch and picnic with my girls and stay for a few events.  (My daughter of competing age is in the backyard practicing sprints and long jumping as we speak; I would be a huge bitch if I didn’t at least make an appearance.)….

And in my defense, I am taking my little dolls to Billings to attend the Women’s Run! We are leaving as soon as the final whistle blows and the gal on the blow horn yells something completely un-intelligible.  Yes, The Women’s Run.  Eryn even has a runner’s bib and matching T-shirt to mine!   A new tradition for us Wayne Women!  Woot woot!  Walk 2 miles, Issie, too!  No strollers for any of us… unless I pack too much wine to Field Day tomorrow; someone will have to push my pathetic ass across the finish line!  (Now let’s see who turns me in and if my water bottle gets checked tomorrow!) 

Rearview Reflections

I had to go to Miles City the other day.  And by had to, I mean HAD to!  My washing machine finally died (I had been wishing it dead for 2 years now in hopes of a front load set).  Yet the death of the cheap Kenmore set could not have come at a worse time.  No Over Haul means no overtime which means no extra money for dying appliances or other lavish crap.  No overhaul meant that I did not get  accessorizing pedestals for the front loading beauties to set upon.  No over haul meant that I did not get the soothing Caribbean Blue I had so wanted.  Why Caribbean Blue for a washer and dryer set?  To fool my frontal lobe into thinking the sound of tumbling water was that of the Caribbean Ocean, duh!  (For those of you new to my blog, I am convinced I am a re-incarnated Mayan Princess with strong ties to the Yucatan area… just go with it).

So, my trip to Miles City…. I had to cross county lines.  Am I allowed to cross county lines and other boundaries?  Hmmmm… ask me that 15 years ago and the answer would have been somewhere in the grey area!  Why?  A little intrigue never hurt anyone!  SOooo, I crossed into Custer County and there in the backseat, buckled into her carseat was my side-kick-too-young-for school, Isabel.  She was cashed out (asleep); head back, mouth open, and completely zzzed.  It was so cute.   The cab of the 1 ton I was driving was so quiet I could actually blog inside my mind!  Wow, that is rare!  So, that is what I did,  mentally blog while crossing county lines and heading towards more debt (the new washer and dryer in the blah color of white).

When I did hit the Custer County line I was reminded how much I hated the thought of crossing into Rosebud County in 1999.  Now leaving Rosebud in the rearview made my smile since I knew it would be mere hours till I was back.  Ahh, Rosebud County.  Home.  Makes me warm to think of how far I have come since the Autumn of 1999, still a newly wed and totally pissed to be moving to the town my hubby called home.  I literally was drug kicking and screaming and swearing across multiple county lines to where I am now.  But it was for my own good (i grew and blossomed in my new county) and in my rearview mirror was the proof… a snoozing toddler with the angelic face of Heaven, snoring and drooling.  Of course the angelic part disappears once she wakes, but let’s just leave the image for now. .. wings and halo and all.  Of course her sister is also an angel when she sleeps, but she was in school this particular day and she never sleeps in the car… never has.

So, Miles City came and went and I was soon back in Rosebud County with my new washer and dryer set and the looming mounds of 3 days worth of laundry.  I didn’t do any of it till the next day, I had to mentally prepare myself and finish my mental blogging!     And today I have 3 baskets of clothes to fold, including multiple Princess dresses that were stained with dirt and the fresh signs of Spring, grass!  I love right where I am… no over haul, debt and all.  With angels all around me among the Rosebuds of the county where I live.  (Melancholy over….)

A Good Ol’ Fashion Stab in the Back

Yep, some things just don’t ever go out of style. And some people will never change!  But with age comes beauty and with beauty comes maturity.  Since I am almost 35 I am an aged Goddess with enough maturity to share, but I won’t.  I need all the grace and wisdom I can hold onto to deal with some people.  Alas . . . some people. 

Some people don’t “get” that no matter who you say something to about me, I will eventually hear about it!  In fact, if you have balls to backstab someone, be aware that your words will probably get back to the one you shoved your blades into!   But the ones who back stab and try to tear at me, they  are so busy climbing onto fake pedestals to put themselves above others that they are missing the real fun of life, and I feel sorry for them.  I pity those who carry so many knives to fillet people with that they can’t stop to smell the roses.  I really do feel sorry for them. 

Yet, I am amused at the same time!  I find it funny that my life is so entertaining to others that they have to talk about it!    I am so boring… I have no social life.  I go no where, only to the gym and the grocery store and the post office.  I just float around this little town I call home.  I am a drifter, I guess.  A drifter of my own town.  And sometimes I blog… to get a reaction, to make people laugh and sometimes I manage to piss people off!  But oh well, at least I am not backstabbing.  I wonder how one would go about that on a blog… to backstab.  I don’t think that it is possible!   I could always do it in real-life, but then I would be victim to my own blog today!  And no one wants that!!! 

Anyway, to my “friends” with machetes;  pick up your knives and start tossing them in my direction!  My hide is so thick now that I will probably bend the blades! 

 

 

Honey Coated…with a shot of Vodka!

My new favorite snack is a piece of toast with Natural Peanut Butter and honey.  Ohh the honey!  It’s local honey and it’s devine and I lick the spoon clean and then devour my snack and lick my fingers clean.  Sometimes I even wipe the excess drips off the container with my fingers (cleaned) just to get another taste.  I would lick the jar itself, but that would be inconsiderate and rude, but it has crossed my mind.  Hey, I live with an adult MAN (his age does not reflect his actions; love you baby) and 2 children.  Germs are all over this place.  Don’t judge me, your house is just as germy!

So, what is up with me?  What has got me pissed off or agitated or my panties in a wad?  Well, I won’t honey coat it (just my fingers), I stay away from the perils and annoyances of Face BOok as much as I can.  I have noticed a few people have either quit the madness or just put me on their ignore list since I haven’t seen their dumb shit 17 times when I do log on to post random crap about nothing-ness.  To their quitting or putting me on ignore, thank you!  I don’t know how to ignore people, then get annoyed with myself for even letting people like that be my friend.  OHHH,  I know what I hate right now!  It’s this:  You wanna be my friend on Facebook but when you see me in public (real-life) you IGNORE ME!  Here is me flippin you the bird!  Really!?  You friended me just so your Friend counter goes up one notch!  PUH-LEASE!  Your posts are never that interesting and I really don’t care what your kids did every minute of the day!  One act of awesome-ness by your kid is worth a post here and there, but constant updates on grades and hair cuts and one-liners are the things you should just leave to private e-mails to the grandparents!  Yes, I just said it!  Everyone else is thinking it… 

Ok, Facebook rant over… now on to other things… I had a few beers the other night after a 2 hour Zumba workout!  The workout was awesome, but drinks with girlfriends and catching up is better!  2 pitchers was just the right amount.  No, I did not consume 2 pitchers, I put a good dent in them, though!  I even broke out some broke Zumba moves about 1 pitcher into the outting.  I think some of the regulars bellied up to the bar were just drunk enough to be impressed.  I was impressed that I did not fall!

I have no real bitch to post.  Am I going soft?  Am I broken?  Nope, just too busy with my own stuff in my own bubble to get sucked into anything.  Oh, I didn’t win the lottery.  Wanna know something crazy, though… I did get all the winning numbers; just on 5 different lottery cards!  God has a sense of humor, too!  But I knew that since he made me!  Then he broke the mold and retired the edition and probably chuckled out loud because he knew I was gonna be a fun one to watch!  He still wears earplugs on most days due tot he language.  That was not a detail he included, it was a flaw I picked up along the way and am probably passing along to my angelic girls.  Do you know how many times a day they hear:  “Don’t say that!  Mommy just said a naughty word!”  It is kinda interesting that by 2 years of age both my kids could identify all the major swear words as well as their shapes and colors!  Everytime I said one I would hear this little voice (or 2) say:  “Naughty word!”   Maybe that’s what my in-laws were referring to when they said I was a terrible mother.  (First of all, notice the word WAS and notice the word MOTHER.  The in-laws are past-tense and I am NOT a mother!  Mothers are bossy bitches running after their kids with wooden spatulas and freaking out over wire hangers.)!  Yes, I still have in-law issues.  It was traumatic.  Like a brain injury.  It will take time. 

No honey coating here!  Never could do it.  I think honey coating is lying.  It’s putting sugar on shit and trying to pass it off as a treat.  Nope, I will be straight up and abrasive like a shot of Vodka till the day I die.  But I do love the taste of honey!  (Shit not included)!

 

Dear God, it’s me…. Shelly. In regards to that $500 Million!

Dear God-

I have been awfully good lately. This letter is to petition for the drawing of my Mega-Millions numbers tomorrow night. May the big-breasted blonde dressed in plastic please curl her anorexic fingers around the balls of my choosing! And why should I win? Oh, I have many reasons, but to just list a few:

I would share. I would give money to those most in need, but to those who are worthy. (Not that I would judge). I would give to people who are trying to be good humans, people who aren’t just sitting on their ass waiting for a hand out. I would probably give to a Border Collie Rescue and some local Dog and Cat Shelters.

I would find the Crazy Cat lady who was on 20-20 last month and pay for her meds for the rest of her crazy life.

I would stay in Colstrip and put a Lorax statue in my yard (the original just got robbed and I would find those bastards and beat them with a Truffala Tree branch). My statue would not be the original.

I would add-on to my modular with a home movie theater. It would be bigger than my house. The surround sound would be heard all the way to Lame Deer.

I would not get a boob job, I like my girls the way they are; formerly breastfeeders and all.

I would give my dad a new hip.

I would buy old cars and buy my friends old cars since they are cool. My friends are cool, too. The cars would have to be 1955 and older. That’s just how I roll.

I would landscape like DIY and HGTV and landscape for people I like. For those I don’t like… hmmmmm. I will just keep ignoring them. Nothing will change. Okay, I will pray for them. Starting tonight. If I remember….

I would pay for the pope to exercise my in-laws. Not like stair-climber exercise, but the kind where they splash Holy Water on them and make them normal.

I would give money to every church in Colstrip. Why? Every religion has its positives and the right to healthy charity from un-likely sources. But not cults or Satanists. I could go on a tangent here, but that is another blog!

I would pay off my house and buy a private island somewhere tropical and fly all my peeps there to have our annual Keg! They would still have to pay $10 for the FUND!

I would put gold caps on all my teeth and smile all the time.

I would fire Obama.

I would buy Congress and then go on vacation.

I would blow up all wind powered forms of energy and create job-security for my husband (he will continue to work).

I would learn how to sew and make Cindy Hatten teach me!

I would pay Bill Gates to hack FaceBook and destroy it!!!!

I would take Bill Gates to lunch and tell him he is a nerd and then take him to the Moose and get him drunk on Red Lodge Ales beer. I would make him laugh till he shot beer out his pointy nose.

I would drill our own oil.

I would save dolphins.

I would somehow bribe everyone on Earth to get along and create World Peace through monetary gains.

I would pick up all the trash on Power Road in Colstrip. Oh wait, I am gonna do that anyway. Why? Because I like a clean town and my town is looking awfully trashy.

I would give everyone I pass a hug. If they got offended I would give them money to chill out. Everyone needs a freakin’ hug.

So, in closing…. I think I would make a lot of good choices with my $500 million if my numbers were drawn. I will not pray for this to happen since that is not what pray is for. But I will still try to give hugs….and probably land in Warm Springs at the mental ward!! And as for the Gold teeth, someday!!

XOXOXO Your child! Shelly!

My Make Believe Cliffs

Have you ever felt like you were standing on the edge of a cliff?  A cliff so high above the rest of the world that the wind was your breath; no other human being could see or hear you.  It was just you and the cliff and the bustling world going on without you down below?  I am there.  My eyes are rimmed red with unease and my heart is heavy.  There is so much awful in the world right now that the hope of the New Year is tarnished with violence and dispair.  A woman whose face I had never seen until last Saturday night haunts me from my computer screen and TV.  I am so absorbed by her story that I constantly check the local online news for updates on what the hell happened to her. 

A gal I went to high school with now knows her 6 year old little boy only has 6 months to live.  She was on the Denver news with Jacob and she was so brave.  She told the reporter that her little boy will die.  6 months.    http://www.kdvr.com/news/kdvr-young-brain-cancer-patient-visits-with-colorado-avalanche-20120110,0,6312942.story

I am standing on this cliff, my toes gripping the edge and feel the wind and close my eyes and wish that the pain that tears hearts apart were just bad dreams.  That the agony of heartache would just float away like a cloud; dissipate into thin air.  I wish the wind would blow the bad away.  I wish people didn’t have to fear each other and that little children didn’t get cancer.  I wish the beautiful serendipity of life didn’t also include darkness and tears.  I wish peace for the people who are hurting in the world right now. 

I wish my make believe  cliffs of solitude were a real place I could go right now to just be.  To sit in the green grass and pick exotic wild flowers and maybe a few Indian Paintbrush (totally illegal, but not on my cliff).  I wish everyone had a cliff to go where the wind takes your breath away and holds you in comforting quiet.  A cliff so far above the rest of the world that even if you fell, you would never hit bottom.  A place so elevated it held you above the world.  Because it truely is a beautiful place, this Earth.

The Book of Revelation tells us that “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

Christmas Strangling…

I am starting a new tradition:  my list of annoyances that deserves a Strangling by either a strand of twinkling lights, tinsel or a stocking.  This list will consist of 12 (randomly ordered) Annoyances.  Why 12?  Well, it’s my blog and it’s in the theme of The 12 Days of Christmas, which gets me started:

12)  The Twelve Days of Christmas Carol.  What the hell is the 12 days of Christmas?  There are 31 days in the month and 24 of those days come before Christmas.  Yes I know, 12 is a significant number in the “look for signs” realm.  I get that.  12 months in a year, 12 steps (or 10, who’s counting) in AA, etc.  But the damn Christmas carol is long and terrible.  Who the hell wants 10 maids a milking?  That just sounds like a lot of hormonal upheaval!  Lactation and dancing, yeah.

11)  People who TEXT Merry Christmas on Christmas, yet don’t send a real Christmas card.  Take me off your to Text list!  That is just rude; being so cheap as to not send a real card but to send a text since it’s part of your Verizon or Cellular One plan!  I’ll tell you what:  Verizon should start charging for every Merry Christmas Text sent on Christmas just to slow the new, retarded tidings.  DO NOT SEND ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS TEXT!  Or a Happy Thanksgiving or Happy Easter or any holiday text!  Blah!

10)  Icicle Lights.  Really!?  We live in Montana with real icicles!  If you have fallen on your ass as much as I have you would hate ice, too.  Now they come in color and blink, so what is the point!  Unless a rainbow pissed on your house no icicle will be rainbow!  (Ok, I love Christmas lights, so this one is just on here since it’s funny.  Decorate on, my fellow Christmas fans).

9)  Double Sided Scotch Tape:  What the F*#K!  That shit sticks to everything except the paper you are trying to coax into conforming to the gift you are wrapping.  Bad invention!  Bad!

8)  FruitCake:  How awesome is cake named after one’s in-laws!  I guess we all know how that name came along:  shitty cake baked by a mentally ill mother-in-law and passed along as a gift! 

7)  Holiday Sales:  Black Friday, Cyber Monday and the newest trend, Green Monday.  Really!  We give names to the most important shopping days of the Holidays?  And some have theme songs!  Wal-Mart ruined a great AC/DC song this year by using “Back in Black” as their Black Friday theme.   Bad Big Box Store, Bad!!!

6)  Santa’s with beards so fake they hang off their lips.  REALLY!  Like little kids are that stupid!  What makes things worse is when the beard hair sticks to your kids clothes.  Now that is just nasty.  Who know where that white, marled mess has been.  (ANd yes, marled is a word…. I think).

5)  Happy Holidays:  It is Christmas!  CHRIST-mas!  It’s a religious holiday, so let’s keep CHRIST in Christmas and in Nativity Scenes, too.  Try and take Baby Jesus away and this “Saint” will march all over your ass!

4)  Toys R’US Commercials:  Ok, tell me shut off my TV and I will punch you in the throat.  Retro Christmas cartoons give me time to wrap presents with double-sided tape.  Toys R US is just a cult that makes kids THINK they want everything yet their ads are on every 15 seconds during prime time!  Ugh!!  And who the hell invented Squinkies?  Tiny little people that plug up my Kirby, yet made it on both my girls’ lists this year!  Hum-Bug!

3)  Alcohol Free Egg Nog:  No explanation needed.

2)  A White-less Christmas:  I want snow, damn-it!  And if you live in MT or WY or ID and don’t like snow…. quit your bitching and move to CA!

1)  Candy Canes:  Why candy canes?  If you have children, it needs no explanation.  They are sticky, gooey, set up like cement in hair, never get eaten all the way and end up in the carpet, Issie’s hair or rear seat of the car since every business and bank hands the damn things out like it’s Christmas or something….. wait.  Oh yeah!  It is Christmas!

Merry Christmas (remember #5) my dear friends!  And may you know that this list was in fun!  Well, most of it! 

Glittery Reindeer Poop

Eryn, Santa, & Isabel 2011

The Holidays are a time of giving; selflessly.  Christmas is magical and once children come along the magic takes on a whole new meaning.  When Eryn was born I had almost a whole year to anticpate her first Christmas.  But I had no idea how awesome it would utlimately be.  Christmas is one thing, but BEING Christmas is an entire new ball of wax mistletoe!  Being Christmas is a new adventure.  Being Christmas happens when a child, your own or one you love enough to be your own, opens a little space in your heart, making it bigger and better than you knew it could be.  And Eryn’s first Christmas gave me another new lesson in “heart enlargening”.   With every Christmas since, especially with her sister,  my heart leaps in sizes!

When Christmas comes to a household with children a magic it’s own begins to manifest.  (I could go on and on about the anticipation of wrapped gifts lurking under the tree, shining with speculation and excitement; the frozen snot of late afternoon sledding and searching for reindeer poop in the snow as proof that Santa is truely watching).  Anyway, onto Christmas morning . . .

Once we become parents the magic of Christmas starts to actually grow inside of us.  Why?  Because WE  become Christmas.  We are the ones who tell the story of Mary and Baby Jesus and the Star (if that so applies- I am open to other traditions).  We are the ones who shop and wrap and hide gifts from peeking eyes.  We become the spirit of St. Nick, waiting till sugarplums dance in their heads to sneak treats in stockings and take bites outta cookies.  And all the while it is magic!  It is tradition and sentimental, quiet moments and yet always hectic.  It’s the prime rib and ham and ornaments and scotch tape (double sided or disappearing).  It’s Secret Santa and parties.  It’s baking and wrapping and shopping.  Yes, Christmas has taken on a “bit” of the commerical, what with Black Friday and Cyber Monday and Green Monday (?) and all the shopping and sales and mayhem.  Yet, doesn’t it all come down to recognizing the real magic of Christmas in ourselves?  To give, not to receive? 

The real trick is to cling to that feeling all year long!  The real meaning of Christmas, for me, anyway is the dazzling, sleepy smiles of my children the morning of Christmas.  Yes, it is the celebration of Christ’s birth, but it is also the celebration of children and their innocence and delight in lights and wrapping paper and, even, reindeer poop (that is evidence.  And how does one know the difference between mule deer poop and Rudolph droppings?  The glitter . . .duh!).  

Merry Christmas!  And let’s remember the Reason for The Season (Christ’s birth) as well as the magic in children.  For didn’t Jesus say:  “Let the little children come to me?” 

 

Trashing Creativity!

How did my Mom keep all my treasures?  Really, she had boxes of my shit stacked in her storage room (I was lucky enough to have gotten most of it pre-house fire).  Knick knacks I thought were important and that I still hold sentimental value for.  Barbies in unopened boxes that my girls beg for; looking up to the top shelf of my closet.  That is probably torture for them, those glittery dolls all packaged up since the 80′s.  There are just a few of those, I wasn’t one of those kids that kept their toys in shrink wrap.  Nope, I played with my stuff pretty hard and not much survived.  Anyway, I am running into some guilt issues with the works of art my girls create on a daily basis.  I love it all, but know I will turn into a full blown hoarder if I start saving it all.  I try to weed through the good and average; the colorful to the dull.  The ones that took time to the ones scrubbed in Crayola out of sheer boredom.  (I took away the Play-Doh months ago and they are going through the crayons like toilet paper).  And then there are the school papers and projects that get toted home everyday; 1st Grade and Pre-School.  What is a mom to do?  Seriously, when I pitch something that I know is trash I still feel that paper looming in the plastic, white abyss; covered in whatever Issie didn’t eat for dinner.  I still feel the paper’s doom right up until it ends up in the big green dumpster outside.  Let’s be honest, once it gets to that point it’s a goner. 

Yes, I have fished papers out of the trash that Mike threw in there.  He likes a tidy house, I am a raccoon . . . clean and tidy is relative when something shiney attracts my attention.  (Another blog).

I love every piece and shred of creativity my girls produce; yet I am getting really crafty with ways to hide the art in the trash.  I cover it with other papers (bills) and left over lunch or dinner.   I still love it, but I have no room.  I could be the perfect mom and scan the art and save it on the computer, but that is work and I am a stay at home mom who doesn’t work!